Saturday, November 24, 2007


I didn't think too much about thankfulness this year. Believe me, I am a very thankful person. I have many reasons this year to spend time dwelling on the reasons to be thankful. Thanksgiving was a day where I was on the verge of tears all day. Yes, I am on my period, so I can blame part of it on that. Yes, my brother moved away this week. Yes, i'm sleep deprived. Yes, Ella still has some challenges she's is going through. Yes, my grandma still has cancer. I didn't stop and think or feel. I did not feel like socially I could afford to have an "off day" emotionally. I can't say "Happy thanksgiving. I loved the pumpkin pie." and break down in tears, because that is where I was headed. It is such a tragedy about my emotions and feelings right now. Why can't I just be? Why can't I just let my true colors show? I stand behind my belief that no one really wants to know because it would be too painful for them, too. Nick knows, but we need to keep living at a somewhat level of function, so this does not come up in conversation daily at this point. I am trying to figure out the point when this will all go away. What is the milestone Ella must hit for me to stop crying? What does she need to be eating and in what way? My friend Laura, who has a toddler with Pierre Robin, told me that she and her husband were talking about us and how they remember how hard the first year was. They have come along way since then and would never again want to be in the place where we are at right now. She told me that eventually, I will see a light up ahead. But, I get so scared. I'm so scared she will never be able to eat. I am so scared that she will have a feeding tube for years. I am so scared that she will be worried about all the things that once happened in her early life. I am so scared that she will feel different from other kids. I am so scared that she will look different from other kids and they will let her know. I am so scared that she will have eating disorders. Ok, finally; here come the tears. Let the river flow. I've been thinking alot about birth experiences lately. I had a great one. I actually had 2 great experiences. After Owen was born, people brought us food and came to visit. They wanted to stay a while and hold the baby. They brought gift after gift and gave their time to us so I could heal- physically and mentally. And it worked. But this time, people came with food, but they didn't stay to see it eaten or hold the baby. They brought presents, but did not make eye contact. I've been thinking lately about redoing the postpartum experience. When someone has a traumatic birth experience, they can have a rebirth, where they lay in a tub of warm water with their baby on their chest and relax in a stress-free and worry-free and noise-free environment. A lot of times, that experience will bring in milk for a mother who had none. Most times, both mom and baby feel healing. So, how do I do this with the postpartum? I don't have any desire to have people bringing food and presents. I just want to heal. I look at my mother-of-2 body and feel like i'm looking at a 3 day post partum body. I don't look normal. I actually am in the same shape as I was leaving the hospital 8 months ago. I wonder if something that was supposed to happen stopped. Where in the process did I leave off? Can I ever start over? Pick up where I left off? Or is what I'm asking for divine intervention; not my doing, but His? I should start inviting God more into my day. I think about him alot, but thinking about the dishes doesn't make them clean. Where do I go from here? What is next for me?
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