Saturday, August 23, 2008

Still I will praise you...

I am blinded right now by mascara that is dripping into my eyes. I just watched my favorite youtube video and I can't help but fall into the heart of Jesus when I watch it. There have been so many things happening lately and I am trying to decipher what God's move for me to make is. I have been seeing some cloudy areas much clearer and been faced with some tough emotional challenges. In the last 2 weeks, I have watched our cousin's face the darkest and rockiest storm of their life. He was burned and is paralyzed and can't have any more kids and is hallucinating and is feeling probably the most pain from being separated from his 3 year old daughter. I am not sure what to do or think, I'm not even sure what is "appropriate" to pray, but, what I know is this is a tough thing to be confronted with. I would be hesitant to go visit because I would be that person, with no emotional control, who would cry in front of him and make him feel worse. But, in all that emotion, I do have to say that I DO BELIEVE HE WILL BE HEALED. Like truly healed. Like as in walking like normal, dancing with his daughter and running to the phone. Every piece of me believes that to be true.

There was any interesting comment on his care page to his wife in response to her keeping the world updated with his progress. It said "Thanks for letting us know what is going on. It let's us heal, too." Wow. I wasn't sure we were allowed to say that or not, but, it is true. I don't know how to heal from this tragedy that has moved in on my cousin through marriage that lives 3 hours away. It is so interesting to see what God does in these times. How sometimes the afflicted ends up being the comforter and the most positive of all people involved. I told my Grandma this and she got it. She said she would much rather have cancer herself than to watch me go through it. That would kill her, she said, to watch me struggle with that. I remember the day that we found out she had cancer and how we got in a car accident that day and went to church on "low E." I was at the bottom of my barrel. My well was dry. I was emotionally devestated. Jesus always fills the void in those times. And, even when it doesn't magically go away, like my ADD brain wants it to, He always lets us know He is there. Even when we feel all alone. And the song that we sang, that I had never heard THAT WAY before, touched my heart as much as it would as if he would have been sitting next to me. The lyrics were this:

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near

And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?

Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me

And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth

And I'm not sure if most of it was sobbing or singing, but that was definitely something I would call "crying out" to God. I know he heard me. I know he was there. And tonight, I heard that song again, as they talked about fears and our Big God at church. And they sang some beautiful songs about those low places we find ourselves in, those valleys that feel familiar, like we've moved in and we are not sure where the end will be. WHEN IS MY MOVING DAY??? MY LEASE IS UP!!!! And tonight, we again, sang the song that told me just 2 years ago to never let go, through the storm and through the calm. And I thought about my Grandma and how I can't imagine life without her EVER - even if she lives to 125! And I thought about Ella and how I did not know if I could survive her life this far. And I thought about my soul that felt so worn, like it had been on the spin cycle for the last decade. And they said there is a light that is coming for the heart that holds on - AND STILL - that I should praise you. You should meet the woman behind the man who is laying in that hospital in Indy. Her name is Jill and she is like an angel or Mary #2 or Esther or Hannah. Basically, she is amazing. And as she sits with her husband and holds his hand and chooses to go through this battle with him, she is praising God everyday. She is waking up and blogging about God's goodness in her life and making lists about what she is thankful for. She is having a private praise & worship session with her Savior every night to protect her in her sleep. And I complained so much this week about how my thyroid is making me feel and how frizzy my hair is in this humidity and how Ella is running around making messes for me to clean up when I'm tired. AND STILL, she praises you.

I wanted to share some things with you today:
The Care Page that RD & Jill have to keep us updated on their happenings. I encourage you to leave them a message on their guest book with some encouraging words. They read every one.

That song that tells you to never let go, well, you can find that here. I'm not saying I love the video, but I think you will like the song.

And that video which is my favorite thing on the internet right now. You should watch it and imagine Jesus doing that for you.

And here is a true story. It is a man they call "The Miracle Man" who was paralyzed and who learned to walk again. This is a very powerful story.