We are well into the school year, but this is just a friendly reminder that is an all year, everyday conversation. I first posted this on Facebook on August 21, 2018.
Tomorrow marks the first day of school for 3 of my 4 children. We have done all the normal things— supplies, backpacks, first day outfits hung and ready. But we also have spent time having hard conversations— as I know some of you have too. My second child has special needs that cause her to be difficult for some people to understand. Ella’s first day fear has always been being heard as “Emma” and not “Ella.” This happens about 50% of the time. She knows that some won’t understand what she says, and others won’t even pretend to try. It takes work and SHE NOTICES the kids who take the time to listen and make eye contact and try and figure out what she is saying. SHE NOTICES the kids who find common ground with her and treat her like she matters. SHE NOTICES the kids who stick up for her and shut down the kids who are a little behind on the compassion lesson. SHE NOTICES when she gets included at recess, on playdates at parties (and she also notices when she does not). Every year I pray, “God, please send one friend. She doesn’t need them all, just one” and I hold my breathe and wait. With a pit in my stomach that won’t go away, I put her on the bus and run through all the things I can control: clean clothes, clean hair, fresh breath and I pray for what I cannot: the other kids.
Ella’s mood has been low the last few weeks as the school year approached. I’ve also been extra cranky and anxious this week as I know what is to come. We’ve had conversations about how to handle the different situations that have come up each year:
-What to say when kids say, “what is wrong with you?”
-What to do when its your time to read-aloud in class
-What to do when your “home friends” aren’t your friend at school
-What to do when you have a problem and the teacher doesn’t understand what you’re saying
-How to hold your head up when someone laughs at you
-How to handle kids ignoring you when you ask to be included (This is what the “nice kids” do— no mean words, no eye contact, no acknowledgement at all. CHECK WITH YOUR KIDS ABOUT THIS. SOME OF THE NICEST GIRLS ARE DOING IT)
So I challenge you tonight to talk to your kids if you have not. Have the conversation and then have it again. It’s not just a beginning of the year conversation, but every day, every week.
“Did you meet anyone new today?” “Did you ask anyone their name?” “Did you notice anyone playing alone at recess?” “Is there anyone that no one talks to?”
Ask and then model it. Point out when you notice someone alone, sad, new and invite them in. It’s painful and hard and it gets easier everytime. Give this mission to an extrovert and they’ll know the whole school (example: Owen). Give this task to an introverted child and you might need to teach them some deep breathing exercises with it. But, your introverted, shy kids have an advantage because many of them are wired to see things that others do not: they can read the unspoken in a room. Teach them what to do with those feelings and urgings— practice the words to make someone feel welcome:
“Would you like to _____________?”
Or “Hi.”
What not to do:
“Be friends with ______ because they _______.” (These kids know when it’s pity. )
And while we are at it, don’t just teach your kids to be kind to the kids with special needs and disabilities — but also the kids with different skin colors, those who have divorced parents or no parents, the kids with dirty clothes, dirty faces, last years shoes, crossed eyes, messy hair, smelly lunches. Tell them to notice the new kid, the sad kid, the kid who eats alone. Tell them that THERE ARE NO MORE CIRCLES— circles are closed and exclusive and not kind or helpful— tell them the new way is HORSESHOES— open to new friends, empathetic, attuned to their surroundings. Tell your daughters that if someone asks to sit at their lunch table or play at recess or stand with them, THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS YES because we stand in horseshoes, not circles. A yes does not commit them to a lifetime of slumber parties and birthday parties and awkward play dates— it’s just what we do; it’s brave and kind. Tell them if they see someone playing, eating or standing alone to ALWAYS INVITE them in. The child they invite might say no, and that’s fine, but still, WE ALWAYS ASK.
Tell them if one of their friends negatively reacts to their being kind, it's time for a new friend.
I previously believed getting good grades, winning and doing one’s best was extremely important. I wanted successful kids who grow up to be contributing adults in this big world— who doesn’t? But because I HAD TO KNOW about this other world, I quickly shifted my agenda from “smart and confident” to “brave and kind.” We don’t congratulate or berate too much for grades anymore. We celebrate character and make a big deal when someone says, “Owen was so kind when…”, “Ella stuck up for…..”, etc. This is what matters — the other side is ugly. Less circles, more horseshoes.
I encourage you to read one of the articles below on how to talk to your kids about differences. Or feel free to ask me for help. Don’t be ashamed if you have not done it or done it well— start now. It’s never too late to raise empathetic kids! Also, the graphic novel El Deafo and the book Wonder are good for starting a conversation. Watch the movie, Wonder, together and then talk about what made you uncomfortable. (That movie felt like my life and I STILL felt uncomfortable about a lot of it. )
