Monday, June 8, 2009

Owen the baby

Owen loves books. He's been carrying around piles of them for me to read ever since his arms were strong enough. He's gotten quite attached to some of the books that I once loved, like Where the Wild Things Are and Noisy Nora. And then there are the less desirable books, books about nothing good, nothing funny, nothing at all. Sometimes I think that any old joker can get a book deal. I sneak that kind of book in to the Goodwill bag any chance I get.

A few weeks ago, our nightly ritual of book reading changed. He asked instead if I could tell him a story with my mouth about baby Owen. It makes me laugh when he says that: A story with your mouth. As opposed to a story with a book. How funny is he.

In the following days, I began to get very upset when I couldn't remember many different stories. I was feeling the effects of "Mommy Brain" at full force. Some days I would offer to tell him a story about me that was funny - but he didn't want to hear about me unless is was a very naughty story - a story about me getting in big trouble for doing something very dumb. I guess he wanted to know that I also was a trouble-making first child. I was.

But I did remember one "classic" story. It's so disgusting that you shouldn't read it while eating - seriously. Owen loves it. It's hilarious and naughty. I've been doing my best to tell it over and over again, not remembering the details.

In a twist of fate this morning, I remembered of the good old site, Xanga. I completely forgot that I used to write on there and for a time, I paid to do so (double dumb). Not sure if it still existed, I wearily typed in today and it was still there.

I found a perfect and true account of this famous story. I want to share it with you today. And I'm serious - stop eating.

June 2, 2006

Nick and I are sleeping head-to-toe this evening. No, it's not because we are mad at each other or anything dramatic - but there is a small person that had his head against Nick's chest and one foot jabbing me in the heart and the other foot kicking me in the stomach. I decided that if I didn't move, I'd be dead my morning. So, here I am, at 2:31 am - wide awake from abuse caused by an infant.

But would you like to know the most hilarious/disgusting thing ever?

I went to check on Owen today, who had been happily playing in his crib. As I approached the room, I started to smell a most rancid smell. Hearing my footsteps, Owen looked up and smiled. Just then, I saw it: poop. He has recently learned how to unvelcro his diaper covers and being the mischievous little 7 month old that he is, he senses freedom, bolts and just leaves a pile of diaper.

Well today was such a day....except that after he pulled off his diaper and crawled away, he pooped. Then, as he normally does, he rolled all around his crib and deposited poop on every possible item. Horrified, I screamed to Nick that we had a true emergency. He ran in and we both started laughing.

Owen was so amused that we were amused, so in the tradition of encores, he rolled over for us will never guess.....a binky was lodged in his poop filled butt crack. Yes, Owen had a butt plug. This was not just any binky, this was a binky on a cord that attaches to his clothes so he doesn't lose it. Owen spotted the cord and slowly started moving the binky towards his mouth. Nick and I both screamed. I'm not sure what happened after that, but I remember Nick running to the washing machine and I was crying in the bath tub with poop going down the drain.

My Mom brought up this one incident when I was a baby when my diaper fell off and I allegedly smeared poop all over everything in my crib - including myself. That was back in the days when people used diaper pins with cloth diapers. Anyway, my Mom said "like mother, like son." Let me tell you, that comment did not make me happy. I must stick up for my son and say OWEN DID NOT AND HAS NOT EVER EATEN ANY POOP OR SMEARED ANY ON ANYTHING. TODAY WAS AN INCIDENT OF ROLLING AROUND IN POOP THAT HE PROBABLY DID NOT EVEN KNOW WAS THERE. HE DID NOT HAVE ANY POOP ABOVE HIS WAIST AND NO, HE DID NOT GET THE BINKY IN HIS MOUTH.

Ok. That's it. Goodnight.

Ok. That's it. Good morning. Love to you today.
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