Monday, June 2, 2008

Barely hanging on

Today is one of those days where I'm just trying to hang on. It is one of those days where I'm counting down the hours till bed time and praying for an angel to stop by and offer to babysit. By 10 am, we had yogurt everywhere and no more coffee. My "Plan B" was to get Nick home as soon as possible so I can lock my self in my room for a bit and get composed. But, when I tried to call him, I realized my phone was broken. I feel stranded on a desert island.

Lately, whenever I am freaking out and have Nick to rescue me, I go lay in my bed. My dream is of course to take a nap, which cannot happen for about 16.5 more years. I wrap myself in my big down comforter and lay on my green organic cotton pillowcases (thanks, michelle) and shut up. It feels a lot like what I feel a cloud would feel like. I often close my eyes and stop moving and drown out the sound. I sometimes pray, I sometimes count to 10, I sometimes just try to get still. I am not necessarily even trying to hear God, but just trying to feel less of me and more of Him. Sometimes it really works.

I think the first time I "swaddled" myself I was just trying not to scream so my children couldn't hear it.

Babies, especially babies like Ella, love to feel safe. They were cuddled and squished so nicely in that warm cozy womb for so long and then BAM - hello big, bright, loud, scary world. I was never too great at swaddling. My kids could always "bust out" in a matter of seconds. Duct tape would have probably helped, but I figured that would be a good reason to be out of the running for "Parent of the Year" award. Nick was much better than me at wrapping the perfect swaddle. For some reason, kids feel safe and loved when there Dad wraps them up and holds them tight.

I'm drinking coffee from a teacup that says "May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace. Romans 15:13." It is the last drops of a pot that is empty. It is cold and has soy milk in it and I need a new pot, but, some days, even little things feel hard.

My phone just rang. Yes, the broken phone. The phone that I couldn't get to do a darned thing this morning, rang. It was Nick. Nick, my strong and brave husband that wants to give us the world. He said he was just calling to tell me that he loved me so much and that we were going to have a great life. He said he will do whatever it takes to make sure we have the life that we dreamed of and that God promised. He said today is going to be a great day and that everything will be OK. He had no idea what had just gone on here, in my head. I started to cry. He told me he would see me in a minute. He was just calling to share a little joy and a little peace.



this is the month.