Thursday, August 9, 2007

can you handle the truth?

in the midst of my day, i have glimpses of the pain that we felt every moment just months ago. when ella throws up or chokes on her own breathe, my mask of control comes down and my real feelings shine thru.

i have become so good at not feeling that i could go for hours and never feel a thing. i am not heartless and cold - although i think that alot of the time. but, although many of the issues have gotten better, the emotional pain and trauma are still there.

and who could i tell? nick is already having his own issues with all of this. my family doesn't ask. my friends don't ask - those that i still have. i am not good at crying by myself.

maybe this is why my health is bad. maybe this is why i can't get rid of this damn disease called "post partum thyroiditis." maybe this is why the cleanses and salads are doing nothing.

i wish i could just cry freely and sneeze freely and dance freely and laugh freely.

and when someone tries to be polite and says "how are you?" - what they really want is the PG answer. "i'm fine. ella is doing pretty good." done. that's it. anything more would be too painful for everyone.

so, instead, i just secretly need to cry and tell someone "she might be having seizures, too." but, to say those words would be so real and permanent.

and so, i go on about my life and know and hope that no one will really ask. you know, "no, how are you REALLY?" oh my, how the tears would flow.

tonight i saw a lady tonight at church - jeanie - and she loves my children. and she said "how are you doing?" and although i couldn't tell her at that moment, with the service getting out and thousands of kids crying for their parents and bedtime, she really wanted to know. she would have listened and not looked away or checked her cell phone or said "excuse me." she would have stayed and she would have listened.

maybe another day will be right.

or maybe i can lay at the feet of my savior and maybe he will listen. maybe he will understand my pain.

maybe he already knows.