Saturday, August 25, 2007

We give thanks to you with gratitude for lessons learned in how to trust in you

I had a thought today: If God came to me today and said "We can start over. Ella will be born - same personality and looks - but without all the pain and suffering. There will be nothing wrong with her body." Would I take the trade? Would I start over and erase the pain that has nearly killed us?

I asked Nick a question today: If God came to you and said "We can start over. Ella will be born - same personality and looks - but without all the pain and suffering. There will be nothing wrong with her body. Would you take the trade?"

And without hesitating, my husband loved us more than I'd ever felt before. He said "No way. We are better people now. We are changed from going through all this. We are better parents and better leaders and better people. I would never change any of it."

I guess Ella wouldnt be Ella without this experience. I guess she might not be such a warrior and so full of joy without an experience to contrast her life with. She will have such a story to tell and she will always be a testimony of God's healing.

I really respect Nick for saying and believing what he did. It is not as if we are through this. It is not as if all the surgeries are done and the doctors are off our backs. It's not as if she is totally healed and cured and living life as normal. And for him to say that in the midst of our greatest pian, he wouldn't change a thing...

I am glad he is becoming such a strong man. I wouldn't trade Ella for the world - but to live life without feeding tubes and surgeons and fear, would I give it all up?

I don't understand why or how, but, I, a very hurting person, don't think I would.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

I Pour Out My Heart

Here I am, once again
I pour out my heart for I know
Every cry, You are listening
No matter what state my heart it is in
You are faithful to answer
With words that are true and heart that is real
As I feel your touch
You bring a freedom to all thats within
In the safety of this place
I'm longing to
Pour out my heart to say that I love you
Pour out my heart to say that I need you
Pout out my heart to say that I'm thankful
Pour out my heart to say that you're wonderful
So wonderful

Yesterday turned from good to bad in an instant. I thought I could handle it this time. I thought I could research aspects of Ella's medical problems and gain some understanding that would bring healing and hope. But, as I should have known, the words I read just brought pain and fear.

And as I sat holding Ella's feeding tube, I laid my head down on her lap and sobbed. This is too much. She is too little.

Information will not make me strong. Knowledge will not give me peace. But, God's grace will give me strength and peace you can't find anywhere else.

And as our iTunes library shuffled, I heard a favorite song. I remembered sitting on the roof of my college in Jerusalem with my dear friend Bethany and we would pour out our hearts to God. That was the only song in my life that I didn't worry about how out of key I was or that I could not sing. I was able to pour out a sincere heart to my God with my friend.

That memory - actually having one - brought me some happiness. But remembering the feeling of Jerusalem at our feet and Jesus in our midst, brought me peace and joy.

Thursday, August 9, 2007

can you handle the truth?

in the midst of my day, i have glimpses of the pain that we felt every moment just months ago. when ella throws up or chokes on her own breathe, my mask of control comes down and my real feelings shine thru.

i have become so good at not feeling that i could go for hours and never feel a thing. i am not heartless and cold - although i think that alot of the time. but, although many of the issues have gotten better, the emotional pain and trauma are still there.

and who could i tell? nick is already having his own issues with all of this. my family doesn't ask. my friends don't ask - those that i still have. i am not good at crying by myself.

maybe this is why my health is bad. maybe this is why i can't get rid of this damn disease called "post partum thyroiditis." maybe this is why the cleanses and salads are doing nothing.

i wish i could just cry freely and sneeze freely and dance freely and laugh freely.

and when someone tries to be polite and says "how are you?" - what they really want is the PG answer. "i'm fine. ella is doing pretty good." done. that's it. anything more would be too painful for everyone.

so, instead, i just secretly need to cry and tell someone "she might be having seizures, too." but, to say those words would be so real and permanent.

and so, i go on about my life and know and hope that no one will really ask. you know, "no, how are you REALLY?" oh my, how the tears would flow.

tonight i saw a lady tonight at church - jeanie - and she loves my children. and she said "how are you doing?" and although i couldn't tell her at that moment, with the service getting out and thousands of kids crying for their parents and bedtime, she really wanted to know. she would have listened and not looked away or checked her cell phone or said "excuse me." she would have stayed and she would have listened.

maybe another day will be right.

or maybe i can lay at the feet of my savior and maybe he will listen. maybe he will understand my pain.

maybe he already knows.